


yes i'm changing (yes i'm gone)

by nani_punani



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adopted Loki, F/M, Family Issues, Jealous Thor, Kid Loki, Kid Thor, Odin is a dick, Older Loki, Possesive Thor, loki and thor are not blood related, loki is born male, loki is older by four years, male to female loki, obsessed thor, thor is a mess without loki, trans loki, watch thor grow up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-11-22 22:08:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20881442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nani_punani/pseuds/nani_punani
Summary: I was raging, it was lateIn the world my demons cultivateI felt the strangest emotion but it wasn't hate, for once





	1. skunk weed

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by breaking bad 1x4. this work might not have existed if I hadnt decided to rewatch breaking bad for the second time. the dynamic between jesse pinkman and his brother just hit me this time, and gave me an idea for this thorki fic.
> 
> hope yall enjoy :)

Growing up Thor called Loki his sister.

It would drive his parents crazy. It would infuriate his father. They’d be out in public, at a restaurant, at a birthday party, with friends, and then Thor would say-

“This is Frigga, my mother, this Odin, my papa, this is Loki, my sister-“

Thor was lucky they were kids. Adults thought it was cute.

Most adults anyway.

The Adults who didn’t think it was cute, didn’t think it was cute because Loki was actually a boy. But how was Thor supposed to know? He was only seven years old. When they were at home, and his parents were working, Loki would wear their mother’s lipstick and put on the high heels that were too big for him, and the jewelry that hung too low on his neck, and tie his hair up in two ponytails. He’d make faces at the mirror, pout his lips, flutter his eyelashes.

Loki was pretty. He liked girly things. Therefore, he was a girl. Therefore, he was Thor’s sister.

Frigga did not see it that way. Odin, especially, did not see it that way. When they were in private, he had dragged Thor away by the ear.

“Why did I say about calling Loki your sister?” He hissed. “Loki is your brother.”

“B-but Loki isn’t a boy.” Thor had stuttered, tears filling his eyes. Loki had been there too, watching with wide eyes. Thor had hated him in that moment.

Odin turned to glare at Loki. “Tell Thor you aren’t a girl. Now.”

Loki had only blinked. “But I am a girl.”

Odin’s face shuttered in fury. He sneered at Loki. “Fine. Have it your way.” He raised his hand to strike Thor and-

And Loki grabbed his arm. His voice was calm when he said:

“If you want to slap someone, slap me.”

Loki was only eleven at the time. Two years later he would run away from home.

XXX

The next time Thor would see his adopted brother would be three years later, when he was twelve and Loki was sixteen.

Thor hadn’t thought of his brother in a long time. He barely remembered anything from when he was nine (the year Loki had left), let alone anything from when he was younger. Either way, Thor was too busy filling in the gap Loki had left behind to be worried about him. Though he wasn’t in the house, Loki was talked about constantly. His mother worried about his whereabouts. His father complained about Loki being his worst investment. They both warned him not to end up like him.

Something about the absolute spectacular failure Loki had been made his parents think that Thor was their last chance. To make everything perfect. To have the perfect son. They signed him up for cross country in the fall, then football later in the season, basketball in the winter, then soccer in the spring. He played the piccolo in the orchestra, and was a part of his middle school’s Quizbowl team, as well as Mu Alpha Theta, and Junior National Honor Society. He had officer positions in all three. He was at the top of his class. But somehow it still wasn’t enough.

One day after basketball practice was over it was late and his mother still hadn’t picked him up. Thor had tried her cell six times already. It had already been an hour since practice had let out, and it was snowing. They had already closed the gym. The sky was only going to get darker. So Thor decided to walk home. It took an hour. By the time he got home, he could’ve sworn his fingers were frozen.

Thor took off his gloves, opened the door, and froze in the threshold when he saw three figures at the dining table.

Mother was sitting, eyes watery, her hands clutching Loki’s. Father was standing off to the side, scowling. Loki was giving Frigga a smile the size of the sun.

Thor could only stare, blankly, and think-

_This is why they didn’t pick me up?_

The thought is an ugly noose around his heart. He stares at Loki, and thinks of the time Odin almost hurt him because of Loki.

Thor twitches his numb fingers. Feels the sting of cold melting.

It seems like some things never change.

XXX

Loki has already been there a week. Frigga coos over him, Odin makes snide comments, none of them pay any attention to him.

Loki is different than Thor remembers him. The Loki Thor remembers had slightly longer hair, hair that he could tie into a ponytail using his elastics, elastics that he kept on his wrists at all times. This Loki has short hair that curls around his ears, but is still not enough to put up in a ponytail. He’s also wearing distinctly male clothing. Something that sounds odd to say, but old Loki was androgynous with his fashion choices. Specifically, he’s wearing blue jeans and a long sleeved black and yellow rugby shirt.

Secretly, Thor thinks it looks weird on him. Also, Loki still has a distinctly feminine face so it doesn’t really work that well.

“I still don’t understand why they're forcing you to choose between the piccolo and the oboe. You show so much promise with both.” Says Frigga from the other end of the dining table.

Thor pushes around the mashed potatoes on his plate, before replying indifferently.

“They can't have any switching between woodwinds because no matter how they divided up, someone would be left out.”

Frigga frowns. “Well, rules are rules, I guess.”

Odin looks distinctly upset. “Sure, rules are rules, and I’m all for that, but I’m telling you, you really shine on that oboe.” Odin stares hard at him, like he’s trying to communicate something. “You have real talent, and I’m not just saying that.”

From the other side of the dining table, Loki looks directly at him for the first time all night. He has a strange look in his eyes before he turns back down to face his food.

“Thanks,” Thor replies vaguely, still staring at Loki. He wants him to look up again.

He doesn’t.

Obviously, Thor understands what’s happening here. Why all of a sudden Loki is wearing guys clothes, and adopting masculine mannerisms, and trying to deepen his voice when he speaks. Loki’s trying to show that he’s changed. That he’s no longer ‘ill,’ like their father said all those years ago, when he caught Loki wearing a dress, and subsequently threw him out of their house.

Loki is trying to live here again.

Thor doesn’t know how to feel about that. On the one hand, he hates Loki. On the other, maybe it will take the pressure off of him, and shift it back to Loki again.

The next day, Thor is working on an essay on his apple computer when someone knocks on his door.

“Come in.” Thor says, without looking away from his paper.

“What’s up?” It’s Loki. It’s the first time he’s directly spoken to Thor since he got here, too busy trying to convince Frigga and Odin that he was _‘cured’_ from his ‘_illness_’ to even bother with his little brother.

Thor glances at Loki from the corner of his eye. He’s wearing the same stupid long sleeved rugby shirt, even though the house is insulated and has automatic heating. Thor looks back at his paper, and continues to type.

_..the American Civil War was arguably the most important war in the history of the country…_

“Not much.” He replies apathetically.

_So fucking annoying._

“When did you get this?” Loki asks, and Thor turns to see Loki looking at his Mu Alpha Theta Most Distinguished Mathlete award.

“Last year at the May end of year assembly.” He says, swiveling back to face his paper, before pausing. He can’t help but add-

“They gave me that one too. The one at the end.”

Thor hears Loki move behind him, and twitches from the effort of not turning around to see his reaction.

“Environmental Consciousness Award.” Loki reads out loud. Thor keeps typing. “What’s that mean? You recycle cans and shit?”

_…which then caused the Southern states of America to decide to leave the American Union and create their own Southern Confederacy…_

Thor’s fingers twitch over the keyboard. Still, he doesn’t turn around.

“I contacted the Philadelphia Journal and asked what chemicals they use to bleach their paper. They wound up writing an article about it.”

Thor shrugs like it’s no big deal.

From his peripheral vision, Thor can see Loki grinning at him.

“Right on, little bro! Making mad inroads with the business community.”

_Right on, little bro? Mad inroads?_ Is Loki trying to sound like a guy or a crackhead?

Loki sprawls on his bed, directly in Thor’s line of sight.

“We should hang out more often.” He says, green eyes glittering. “You know, just kick back and chill. I mean, if you ever, like, I don't know, need advice.” Loki lowers his eyes self-consciously. His lashes are so long they kiss his cheeks. “Because, yo, I mean, I've been through it all. For real.”

_Me? Need advice?_ _You’re the one whose sick. You’re the one who got kicked out of the house. You’re the one who lived on the streets for three years. Sounds more like **you’re **the one who needs advice._

But Thor doesn’t say any of this. Instead he continues typing on the keyboard, as if he didn’t just hear what Loki said.

_…The American lives lost in the Civil War even exceeded the number of American lives lost during World War I and World War II…_

He watches out of the corner of his eye as Loki nervously plays with his fingers, before spotting Thor’s piccolo.

Loki’s eyes brighten. “Hey man, you play the flute?”

“It’s a piccolo, actually.”

_Which you would’ve known, if you had been paying any attention last night._

“Dude, play some Jethro Tull.” Loki says excitedly, before there is a knock on the door and Frigga is entering the room.

“Hey guys.” She smiles nervously. “How we doing in here?”

Loki’s smile is much more subdued when he replies. “We’re good.”

But Frigga is looking at Thor. “Thor?” She asks, pleasant tone sounding forced.

Thor blinks at her, and looks at Loki, before looking back at Frigga. “Yeah. Fine, mom.”

“Well that’s good. That’s-“ Frigga clears her throat, “-that’s great.”

She doesn’t close the door on the way out.

Thor keeps typing when she leaves. Loki is silent a long time before he finally speaks.

_…we were divided…_

“What the hell?” He says, eyes narrowed. “You see this?” Loki says, indicating the open door. “What, am I some sort of criminal or something?”

Thor glances at Loki, the angry flush on his cheeks, the meant glint in his gemstone eyes, then turns back to face his computer.

“Whatever.”

Loki does not like that at all.

“Whatever?” he repeats incredulously. “What, you think that’s okay? Like, ‘oh we can’t let that scumbag warp the mind of our _favorite _son-‘”

Loki’s words snap something in him. Thor swivels in his chair to face Loki. He stares at him in disbelief.

“I’m the favorite?” Thor scoffs. “Yeah, right.” He swivels back to face the screen. He wills his eyes not to burn, or his voice to sound weird. “You’re practically all they ever talk about.”

Thor types rubbish on his computer, concentration ruined, but still trying to look busy.

_…The North wanted to reunite with the southern states, but Loki is a selfish bitch and I wish he never came back._

Loki doesn’t say anything when he leaves.

XXX

One week later and Loki is kicked out again, this time for having a blunt in his room, a blunt that Thor hid there a while back because Loki’s bedroom was always empty and it was the perfect hiding space.

Thor doesn’t know what happened, or how his parents found out about it, or why Loki didn’t snitch on him. All he knows is that Loki is out on the curb waiting for a cab, and his parents are locked in their room, his mother probably crying, and his father probably rebuking her for giving Loki another chance.

Thor sneaks out of his room and goes outside to the curb. It’s freezing.

Loki is smoking when he reaches him, the orange of his cigarette nub burning brightly against the cold.

“Hey,” he says casually, as if he isn’t being thrown out of the house for the second time.

“How’d they find out?” Thor asks, breath leaving him like smoke.

Loki takes another drag, blows the smoke right in Thor’s face. Thor coughs.

“The housekeeper found it in one of those fake cactus plants Frigga put in my room when I left.” Loki smirks at him. “Not the best hiding place, little brother.”

Thor wants to explain. He wants to defend himself. He wants to tell Loki he wouldn’t need weed if his life wasn’t so stressful. That he wouldn’t be smoking blunts in the bathroom when his parents weren’t home if they didn’t put so much pressure on him. That he would never have tried weed period if Loki had stayed, if Loki had just _fixed_ himself, if Loki had just tried and continued to be the perfect son he used to be before his illness ruined it all. Because it was good then. Because there was no stress. Because there was no expectations for Thor, and Loki juggled expectations better than Thor ever would.

Except for the one expectation that he had to be a boy.

Instead, Thor says-

“Thanks for not telling on me.”

Loki watches him, quietly, waiting for something, and Thor can’t help the twitch of his fingers when he adds-

“Think I could have it back?”

Loki smirks. That’s what he was waiting for. He reaches into his pocket to pull out the blunt, and just as Thor is about to take it, Loki drops it onto the sidewalk, crushing it underneath his shoe.

Thor stares at the blunt in silent shock.

Loki rolls his eyes, takes another drag. “It was skunk weed, stupid.”

A yellow cab pulls up and Loki is about to head in when Thor stops him.

“Why didn’t you tell them?”

Loki locks eyes with Thor. He’s skinnier than Thor originally thought. He’s tall, yes, much taller than Thor, but he’s skinnier for his age, with skin stretched tight across his cheekbones. Thor wonders how he’s going to survive winter.

Some emotion flashes across Loki’s eyes, but its so fast Thor doesn’t recognize what it is.

“They wouldn’t have believed me anyway,” is what he says, before getting in the cab and driving away.

The next time Thor will see him is in eleven years.


	2. high school

Something changes after that second time Loki leaves. Maybe it’s the fact that Loki does whatever he wants. Yeah he got kicked out of the house, but he survived. He got kicked out of the house again, and he still didn’t even seem to really care. So what exactly is it that Thor is worried about? What is it that makes him work so hard at school to be perfect? He’s not doing it because he loves his parents. He’s never loved Odin. Frigga, he supposes, he does, but still it’s not like she was ever there when he was growing up. Both his parents had super busy jobs. They rarely, if ever, had time for him.

And it couldn’t be that he was afraid of getting kicked out. He was their last chance. The last son left to making something out of. The true son. They wouldn’t dare kick him out. Unless, of course, he decided he wanted to be a girl as well. But that wasn’t going to happen.

It was then that Thor realized there was nothing pushing him to be perfect except his parents expectations that he would be. And he already established that he didn’t care about that. So when eighth grade comes around Thor starts dropping some things. He drops all his indoor extracurriculars. His officer positions which were always more of a pain in the ass than they were worth. He drops cross country, which had always been hell and zero fun, and he drops soccer because he never really cared for it, and basketball just because he would like a break in the winter months. He also drops the piccolo because it’s stupid and dorky.

He keeps playing football though. He’s always loved football.

His parents are confused of course. Frigga is upset. Odin is furious.

“I just don’t understand,” Odin says angrily, “-why you’re becoming so lazy all of the sudden. Isn’t this stuff you care about? And you’re just giving it all up at the drop of a hat?” Something lights itself in Odin’s eyes. It’s suspicion. “Is this because of something your brother said? Because trust me, Thor,” Odin says, a sneer on his face, “you do not want to be taking life lessons from him.”

_It is because of him. But not because of anything he said._

“It’s not because of him,” Thor lies. “I just wasn’t really passionate about all those things. I really only ever liked football.”

Frigga is disappointed. Odin is so upset he can barely speak.

“You’re ruining your life,” he says.

Thor just looks out the window, at the snow, wondering where Loki is sleeping, and if he’s warm.

XXX

When Thor is fifteen he has the world at his feet.

It’s his sophomore year. He’s on the varsity football team. He’s a shoe-in for varsity captain next year. His grades are good, though you wouldn’t guess it looking at him. He’s growing as fast as a weed and he’s outgrowing his shoes every three months.

But he’s also waiting for something.

Every time Thor comes back from practice, he will open the door, and stand in the threshold, and expect something to be there.

Eventually he realizes it’s Loki.

It’s been three years since he last got kicked out. The same amount of time between when he first got kicked out and then came back. Thor doesn’t smoke weed anymore unless it’s at a party. And he knows the difference now between a real and a fake. He think’s maybe Loki will come back again. The leaves have finished falling a long time ago and its almost winter. When winter passes, and Loki doesn’t show up, Thor realizes how stupid he’s been.

The rest of high school passes in a blur. If middle school was him being perfect, high school is him at his worst. He goes to parties, and he gets into fights, and he dates a string of girl after endless girl, usually all tall, and slender, with small tits and ebony hair, and fucks them hard into his bed. Thor doesn’t really care for their faces.

When Thor is in his senior year, he has enough extracurriculars and officer positions (mostly due to his popularity) to cover for his mediocre grades and get into a good school.

Either way, his family’s rich, and Odin has a friend over at Harvard who’s going to put in a good word for him, so it doesn’t matter anyway.

Thor is playing with his graduation announcements when Frigga walks into the kitchen.

“I sent him one.” She says quietly, and the _him_ goes unspoken. “Maybe he’ll come.”

Thor stares at his smiling picture alongside other photos of him taken during football games, and the words-

_Asgard Prep announces the graduation of_

_THOR ALEXANDER BORSON_

_June 19th, 2019_

_Philadelphia, PA_

_Thor will be attending Harvard University in the Fall_

He drops the announcement, stands up, and doesn’t look at his mom when he says-

“Don’t hold your breath.”

XXX

Thor holds his breath.

While he’s sitting with the rest of his classmates in the stadium, he holds his breath. When they call his name and he walks up to receive his diploma, he holds his breath. When everybody throws their caps in the hair, he holds his breath. When he walks outside to meet his parents, he stops holding his breath.

Loki isn’t there.

Odin is grinning at him. Frigga is smiling sadly. Thor wants her to stop.

_Don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t waiting for him._

Odin slings an arm over him. An impressive feat, considering Thor passed him a long time ago.

“What do you say we go out and celebrate?” He says, still grinning like mad.

Thor catches Fandral’s eyes through the crowd. The last thing he wants to do is celebrate with his parents.

“Can’t,” he tells them instead, “I already got plans with Fandral and them.”

Odin’s grin falters, before becoming a closed mouth smile. He tousles Thor’s hair.

“Alright then. Have fun.”

Thor’s parents wave him goodbye and then he goes to meet Fandral. They grab each other’s arms before clapping each other’s backs.

“How does it feel to be a free man?” Fandral asks, grinning like a loon.

“Fucking great. I can’t wait to be out of this shit hole.” He looks around. “Where’s Volstagg and Sif?”

Two hands place themselves on his eyes. Thor almost jumps in surprise.

“Guess who?” Says a sing song voice.

Thor turns around. Smiles. “Sif, what’s up?”

Sif grins. “Nothing much. Except Fandral here got rejected.”

“And a party at Svad’s house!” Volstagg pipes up, but Thor only stares at Sif.

“Fandral got rejected? By who?”

Fandral scowls. “Just some bitch in a pencil skirt. She wasn’t even that hot.”

Sif bursts out laughing. “That’s not what you said before! You called her a MILF!”

Fandral is glaring daggers at Sif. “Yeah I called her a MILF, so what? I still didn’t say she was hot.”

Thor rolls his eyes. Fandral is way too fucking sensitive, and if they keep talking about it he’s going to get into a snitch.

“So we hitting this party or what?” 

All three heads turn to look at him. Fandral raises his eyebrows.

“Hells fucking yeah.”

Thor drinks hard that night.

His graduation was shitty and he just wants to forget. Everything. Where he lives, who his parents are, who he is, who his brother is, that his brother didn’t even bother to fucking come-

All of it. He wants it gone.

The night is a blur. He laughs at a lot of things. Does a keg stand. Makes out with a bunch of a girls. He’s making out with a girl when he sees another with green eyes.

_Green. That’s rare._

Thor stumbles away from the girl he’s with to get to the girl with green eyes. She has dark hair as well. Perfect. He grabs her by the wrist.

“Hey.” He says. His smile feels too wide.

It doesn’t matter though, because she smiles back, green eyes glittering. Her lashes are so long they kiss her cheeks.

Perfect.

“Hey.” She replies.

Thor takes her upstairs.

He’s undressing her and she’s taking off his belt when Thor sucks a bruise onto her neck and says-

“Why didn’t you come to my graduation?”

The girl stops fumbling with his belt. She looks up at him, confused. She blinks.

“What?”

Thor blinks back. “What?”

Then he throws up all over the bed.

He doesn’t end up fucking her. Instead, he stumbles down the stairs and fumbles around with the car keys in his pocket until he finds them, subsequently finding his car.

The night ends when ten minutes later on his way home Thor wraps his Ford F-150 around a tree.

XXX

In the hospital the police inform him that he’s been charged with a DUI.

Thor doesn’t understand. His blood alcohol content was way higher than a .08. He could’ve killed someone. He should be getting charged with a DWI.

But then Thor see’s his father in his Armani suit along with his mother in her pearls and he understands. Odin got him off. He talked with the officers beforehand. He mentioned something about a lawyer. He threw his name around. Because there’s no way he’s letting Thor ruin his public image.

When Odin walks in he’s furious. Thor is hooked up to a breathing tube with a cast around his neck and his leg held up in a brace.

“What the fuck is this?” Odin snaps. “Do you know how much this will cost me to sweep under the rug? Do you know how hard this will be to hide from Harvard? What the fuck is wrong with you, Thor?”

The monitor next to Thor’s bed beeps steadily. The breathing tube makes him sound like Darth Vader as he inhales and exhales. Thor should say something. He should say he’s sorry. That he didn’t mean to. That he’ll make it up to Odin.

Instead he says-

“I fucking hate you.”

Thor is in the hospital for three weeks.

Loki doesn’t visit once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gimmeeee loveeeeeee  
kudo comment or bothhhhh plzz


	3. college

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for a slur said by one of the characters!!!

College isn’t all that different from high school.

Thor spends the summer beforehand recovering from the crash as well as doing community service. It was either that or five months in jail. In a way, he’s almost glad it happened because it means Thor isn’t in the house most of the week. When it comes time for Thor to leave for college, he hasn’t seen his parents at all during the summer. And he won’t be seeing them again till the next.

Odin has a meeting that day so he doesn’t see Thor off anyway. Thor counts himself as lucky.

Harvard is pretty cool. Thor is a pre-law major, mostly because that’s what Odin’s paying him to study, but also because Thor doesn’t have any other aspirations. He joins his father’s fraternity and his first year is the hell he’s expecting. They say hazing isn’t allowed anymore, but the best and most selective fraternities still keep it up. Even though Thor is a legacy, that doesn’t save him from the shit everyone has to go through.

After that first year though, everything is a breeze. Thor, like always, is popular. People like him for some reason. It’s always come natural to him. He plays as many intramurals as he can and parties every other weekend. He doesn’t call home. His classes are easy. Thor has always been better in the social sciences.

When winter comes, though, Thor can’t help but think of Loki.

He calls his mom up. He never does that, so Frigga is surprised when she hears him on the line.

“Thor?”

“Hey, mom.” Thor replies easily. He watches the snow outside pile up. He hesitates a second before asking-

“I was wondering if you know where Loki lives now?”

Though Loki never kept in contact with Odin, and not even Thor, Loki did keep in contact with Frigga. He found out about it when he was sixteen.

It was strange. Thor thought at first that his mom was having an affair. The call would always come on the days Odin was working, but Frigga was home. Frigga would pick up the phone, and her eyes would change, and she would lock herself in her room.

On one of these days, Thor picked up the other home phone. Though he wouldn’t blame his mom if she was having an affair, he was still curious. He held the phone to his ear, expecting to hear the voice of an older man, and instead heard-

“Hey, mom.”

Thor could’ve sworn his heart stopped. He almost dropped the phone.

_Loki?_ This was the person she was hiding from Thor? This was why she was so secretive? This is why they never called when Odin was home?

Thor had pressed the phone tight against his ear. It was the first time he’d heard Loki speak in four years. His voice was sweet. It sounded more feminine. It was soothing and natural in the way it hadn’t been the last time Loki pretended he had changed for the better. Loki talked to Frigga for two hours. Thor had sat on the floor of his room and done nothing but listen to him speak. He listened as Loki complained about his job at a restaurant waiting tables, but said it was better than the job he had when he was thirteen and he got paid two dollars under the minimum wage because he was a minor. He listened as Loki complained about his roommate, and her weird boyfriend, and how he was planning on going to college, and how he was hungry all the time, and how cold it was, and how he missed home.

Thor closed his eyes as Loki spoke, so he could pretend that Loki was right next to him, and speaking directly to Thor.

But his eyes shot open when he heard Loki ask about him.

“How’s uh…how’s Thor?”

The question had sounded nervous. Wary. Like Loki was afraid to be asking. Frigga had been silent on the other end. Thor had held his breath.

“He’s doing good.” Frigga finally replied.

“Is he still playing the piccolo?” Loki had asked.

Thor’s heart had skipped a beat. _He still remembers that?_

“No, he – well, he dropped the piccolo a while back.”

“Oh.” Loki had responded quietly.

“I think he misses you.”

Blood had rushed to Thor’s face. _What the fuck? What kind of lies was his mom spouting off? Did she say that every time he called?_

But what surprised Thor the most was the cynical laugh in reply.

Frigga had been surprised too. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s just that – well – I doubt Thor misses me. I don’t think he ever liked me to begin with. He’s probably happy I’m gone.”

Frigga’s reply came after a beat of silence. “That’s not true. You were his best friend you know. He has other friends now, but it’s not the same. I can tell he’s lonely.”

Thor bit his tongue to keep from saying something and being discovered. His face was burning. Why was Frigga making it sound like Thor was this total loser? Like he didn’t have a million friends? Like he wasn’t the most popular kid in his class?

_Loki must think I’m fucking pathetic. He must think I’m a puppy dog, just waiting here on the steps for him to come home._

But Loki hadn’t. His response made it seem like was smiling. “I don’t think he’s lonely, or if he is, he won’t be long. Thor’s easy to love.”

Thor had felt his breath catch in his throat. He wished in that moment he could control his mother’s mind. He wished he could put words in her mouth. He wished he could will her to ask - “_Do you love him?”_ – but instead she asked-

“Do you miss him?”

It was close enough.

Loki had laughed. It was an easy laugh, it was a laugh that said- _isn’t it obvious?_

“Of course I miss him. Thor’s my baby brother. I love him more than anything in the whole wide world.”

Thor’s face felt like the inside of a furnace. His heart was beating fast and hard against his chest. A lot of people had told him they loved him before. Frigga said it all the time. So did girls. It wasn’t like Loki saying he loved him, though.

Loki saying he loved him was everything.

And then he ruined it.

“Do you want to talk to him?”

Loki’s reply had been a sharp and instant

“_No_.” A pause. Frigga silent on the other end. Loki continued, softer. “I love him but – no. I can’t –“

Thor had slammed the phone into the receiver. The butterflies in his stomach had stopped, been torn to shreds. He was angry. He was hurt.

_What the fuck is your love to me if you won’t even talk to me? If I’m the whole wide world to you, why have you never reached out? Why do you only talk to Frigga? She didn’t do anything when you left. She threw you out just like Odin did, but still, you’ll talk to her and not me?_

_Fuck you._

That was the one and only time Thor had ever snuck in on one of Loki’s calls.

Thor blinks as Frigga replies in the present.

“Why do you ask?”

Thor plays with a loose string on his sweater. “I know you…talk to him sometimes. You had to have sent that graduation announcement somewhere.”

Frigga is silent on the other end, and Thor doesn’t think she’s going to reply when she does.

“I do. Talk to him, that is. But he’s never told me where he lives. I sent him that graduation announcement to a P.O. box in New York. I still send him things sometimes, things he needs. But the P.O. box is never the same, and neither is his number. He moves around a lot.”

Thor feels his heart drop. “Oh,” he replies, disappointed.

“Did you want to talk to him?” Frigga asks, and Thor’s reply is instant.

“No.” He says sharply. If Loki doesn’t want to talk to him, he’s sure as hell not going to call.

“I was just…curious.”

“Oh,” Frigga says.

That’s the extent of their conversation.

XXX

Thor’s senior year at Harvard he lands an internship at Stevens & Mckellan, a big commercial law firm. He gets it, of course, because of his dad. And it’s commercial because Odin wants Thor to be one of the lawyers on retainer for Borson Industries when he graduates. Odin figures his internship at Stevens & Mckellans is good preparation for that, as well as something he can add to his resume when he applies to law school.

His first day at the internship one of the lawyers gives a bullshit speech about how this is the first day of the rest of their lives and then proceeds to hand them cheesy I.D. cards.

One of the guys next to Thor snorts.

“Why’d they have to paste these tacky smiling suns on them? We’re college students, not two year-olds.”

Thor laughs. “Amen to that.”

“My name’s Iver. What’s yours?”

Thor smiles and reaches a hand out to the brown haired boy. “Thor.”

“I swear to god if they start giving us stickers for good work I’m outta here. I don’t care what my dad says.”

Thor snorts. “You’re here because of your dad, too?”

“Hells yeah. I wouldn’t have been able to catch a gig this fancy without him. You?”

Thor gives a Iver a wry smile. “Same. I wouldn’t have got this internship without Daddy Warbucks pulling the strings.”

Iver raises an eyebrow. “Well, well, well, I guess that just means we’re all Daddy’s boys then.” He says grinning.

Another boy next to him rolls his eyes. “Could you be any more of a faggot, Iver?”

The laughter leaves Iver’s eyes. “Shut the fuck up, Bjorn. I’m not the one who asked his girlfriend to shove a finger up his ass.”

“Bull_shit_ I asked her-“

Thor’s first week in the internship goes by pretty fast. Most of his work consists of copying and filing, and its still too early for him to be doing any legal research or helping the lawyers in the firm with their paperwork and courtroom preparation. When lunchbreak comes around he sits with Iver and Bjorn, who are pretty good friends, and whose constant bickering is enough to entertain Thor after endless filing.

And then the second week comes around.

Thor is Mr. Wexler’s office, one of the senior associates, organizing some of his files when Wexler suddenly speaks up.

He’s frowning down at a stack of envelopes when he speaks. “Could you go to the mailroom for me, Thor? I was expecting something today and it’s not here.”

Thor just barely stops himself from sighing. “Sure thing, Mr. Wexler.”

Strangely enough, Thor hasn’t seen the mailroom yet, and when he enters a woman’s already there. Her back is turned to him.

“Excuse me? I was wondering-“

The woman turns to face him and Thor’s words get stuck in his throat.

“Loki?” He manages to choke out.

He’s the same and not the same. His eyes are still that precious shade of emerald. His hair is still as dark as West Virginia coal. His face still has that elegance, that sharpness to it. But after that…after that the similarities end. His hair is longer than it’s ever been, falling down past his shoulders in a tangled mess of curls. His long lashes are painted in mascara, eyes lined with kohl. His lips are painted red.

He’s no longer a he, but a she.

Doll eyes blink at him, then shutter in recognition.

“Thor?” The voice, at least, is still the same. Like a melody. Like a song. Loki is wary of him, he can tell by the tension in her face.

She should be.

“What the fuck?” Thor manages to spit out. “What are you doing here?”

Loki rears back, obviously surprised by the harshness of his tone. “I work here,” she says, obviously still stunned, “in the mailroom.”

Thor stares at her, full of conflicting emotions. He wants to look at her for hours. He wants to trace her face with his hands. He wants to wrap his hands around her throat. He wants to hug her. He wants to hit her and watch purples bloom across her face. He wants to yell at her until his vocal chords tear. He wants to ask her why she never called, or why she never came back for him, or if she even-

“Stay out of my way.”

But Thor says none of those things, because he already knows the answer to all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGHH i stan a thor being embarrased by his mom bc he loves loki so much and it shows!!!
> 
> next update will probably be tmmr, xoxo <3


	4. hate

After that second week, Thor wonders how he could’ve missed her.

Loki’s everywhere.

She brings everyone’s mail in the morning, going from office to office, but more frequently cubicle to cubicle.

Everyone loves her.

Loki will stop by a group of cubicles and pass out the mail and crack a joke and the cubicle people will laugh. She’ll flutter her eyelashes and lean on their desks and they’ll blush. She’ll smile at them and they’ll smile back so big it hurts. With the ones she’s really close to she’ll sit on their desks and talk about insipid things like what was on tv the other night, or something stupid Kim Kardashian said, or how Michael Jackson’s ghost is still haunting Neverland, and the cubicle people will listen attentively, seriously, as if it’s something important, or of any actual value, when it’s just Loki running her mouth like always.

Loki is, like always, a distraction. A hindrance. But then Thor notices something else.

She actually helps the people in the cubicles.

Loki will peer over their desk for a minute while they’re working, and then she’ll highlight something they missed in a legal case, or point out something that was established in a previous ruling, or casually mention that according to Article 4 of the Uniform Commercial Code _it’s the responsibility of United bank, the depository bank, to accept the check but the final payment will still go to Schneider banking, as the collecting bank_.

Thor doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like that she’s happy. He doesn’t like that other people love her.

_How can you be happy when I’m angry with you? When I told you to stay away from me? How can you still smile after I told you that? How can you not be bothered? Do you really give zero fucks about me? How do these fucking losers deserve your love and I didn’t deserve it for thirteen fucking years? Does that make any sense to you, Loki?_

Thor wants Loki to be upset. He wants her to be miserable. He wants her to beg him for forgiveness. <strike>He wants her to say she loves him and that she’ll never leave him again.</strike>

Loki doesn’t do any of those things. She doesn’t even look at him.

A couple of days later, Wexler tells Thor to send a message to Loki. He’s missing an important letter. It’s a time sensitive matter. Thor nods, tells Wexler he understands, and doesn’t tell Loki.

Loki gets in trouble. Thor watches as Wexler yells at her in his office, face an ugly red. Loki’s face is blank.

Thor just eats another spoonful of his yogurt.

After a meeting, Adams tells Thor to hand some paperwork over to Loki so that she can mail it off. Thor nods, says he understands, and doesn’t give Loki the file.

Two days later Adams yells at Loki for not mailing the file. Loki says she never got the file. Adams goes into the mail room and see’s the file right where Thor left it just that morning.

Loki gets into even more trouble for lying.

“Two strikes,” says Iver one day, catching him by surprise.

Thor blinks. “What?”

“That hot chick, Loki. She’s got two strikes already for the shit she pulled with Wexler and Adams. One more strike and they’re going to fire her. I heard they’re going easy on her because she’s worked here for a long time, and everybody likes her, and ‘cause she was sick for a whole two weeks so they think maybe that’s it, but if she messes up again she’s done-zo. Finito. _Bye-bye_ baby.”

Thor stares at Iver. “She was sick?”

Iver blinks, surprised that’s all Thor got out of the conversation. “Uh – yeah. Remember our first week here? We didn’t see her at all? Apparently she was down with something bad that week and the week before. That’s the only reason Stevens & Mckellan ain’t firing her ass right now ‘cause they think she’s still a little under the weather.”

_Oh, so it wasn’t that serious_. Thor looks down and starts to pick at his salad. “Who cares?” He replies vaguely.

Iver stares at him incredulously. “Who cares? I care! I care because it’s wrong, because it’s not right, because it’s unfair, because she’s got a bangin’ bod-

Thor rolls his eyes, still picking at his salad.

“-and because Bjorn and I have a bet on who’ll fuck her first.”

Thor stops picking at his salad. He looks up. Iver is grinning at him.

“What the fuck?” Thor’s voice echoes sharply in the empty lunchroom, as cutting as ice. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Iver?”

Iver stops grinning. Uneasiness flickers across his face. “I mean, like, I can’t win the bet if she leaves all of a sudden-“

“Are you serious right now?” Thor feels like a mercury thermometer, his anger slowly rising higher and higher, about to shatter to pieces and burn away at everyone else. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Iver stares at him. “Are you fucking kidding _me?_ You know Bjorn and me do this all the time. And all of a sudden you have a problem with it? All of a sudden you take it upon yourself to be fucking pissed over the dignity of some bitch you don’t even know?”

Thor’s heard enough. Anymore and he knows he’s going to knock Iver’s face in, and wear his teeth like a bracelet around his wrist. And even Odin won’t be able to sweep that under the rug.

So he stands up instead, knocking his chair back, the metal screeching against the linoleum floor.

“Yeah, well maybe I’m fucking sick of it. Maybe I’m fucking sick of you two being so fucking immature. When the fuck are you two going to grow up?”

Thor walks away, his hands clenched into fists, biting his cheek hard enough to draw blood, thinking-

_-really? He thinks he could fuck her? He thinks she would let him, with that fucking micro penis of his that he has to shove a sock in his pants just to hide? He really thinks I would **let** him-_

“I’m immature, Thor? Really? I’m not the one who conveniently forgot to give her the files!”

Thor stops dead in his tracks. He doesn’t turn around.

Iver scoffs. “Now I got your attention, huh? You forget I was there that day for the meeting? Forget we sit next to each other in the same cubicle and I didn’t once see you stand up to go over to the mailroom? Forget we walked out together and I saw the files in your bag?”

Thor’s back is tense. He still hasn’t turned around. His jaw twitches.

_Fuck._

“So what’s your deal, hm? What’s your problem with Loki? She didn’t want to fuck you either?”

Thor’s resistance snaps like a twig, like a rubber band that’s been stretched too tight. He turns around and swings, his fist catching the side of Iver’s face, his class ring splitting his lip wide open.

Iver cries out. Thor drags him up by the collar of his shirt. He sticks his face into Iver’s.

“Shut the _FUCK_ up, Iver.” He snarls. “You’re not going to say jack about what you saw. I can assure you right now, my father has more money than your dad ever will. And if that isn’t enough to scare you, I sure as hell have enough money of my own to file a defamation suit against you and win. Just in case you weren’t aware, Borson Industries has some of the country’s best lawyers on retainer.”

“Fuck you.” Iver spits out, but he doesn’t disagree, so Thor continues.

“And let me tell you something else, _Iver_.” Thor sneers. “Loki wouldn’t go near that diseased dick of yours even if you had all the money in the world. But if she did-“ Thor nearly chokes on the words, nearly tears out his own tongue they disgust him so much, but still he continues “-if she _did_, you wouldn’t fuck her anyway, and you want to know why?”

Iver just glares at him, eyes flinty and mean.

“Because if you did,” he whispers, “I would fucking skin you alive, got it?”

Iver’s eyes are blank. Thor recognizes that look. He’s hiding his fear.

Thor gives Iver a cold smile.

“Good.”

XXX

Iver is one thing. But Loki is another.

She drags him into a corner as soon as he’s about to leave the firm for the day, her face tight in anger.

“What the fuck is your problem?” She snarls.

Thor stares at the wall behind her, his expression blasé.

“I thought I told you to stay away from me?”

Loki’s hand is bunched in his shirt. She’s got him pinned against the wall. She probably thinks it’s intimidating, but it’s not. He stares at their height difference, and marvels at the way she used to be taller than him. Loki is wearing heels but even then Thor is still a head taller.

“I know what you did, Thor.” She snarls.

“Oh, yeah?” He replies still staring at the wall, tone bored.

“Look at me.” Loki’s voice is flint. The edge of a knife. She’s ordering him to look, not asking. Thor shifts his gaze to meet her eyes. The green is closest to a bright neon. Neon, like a warning sign. Neon, like radioactive waste. Danger ahead.

“I thought it was a mistake at first. You forgot to pass along Wexler’s message. When he screamed at me in the office, he dropped your name. I could have said something then. I didn’t. I didn’t want to get you in trouble if you had forgotten. But then Adams screams at me today too, for something you were supposed to give me. And all of a sudden it turns out the file was in the mailroom all along?” Loki’s eyes are narrowed. “You did it on purpose. You knew what you were doing the whole time.”

“You’re delusional.” He replies impassively.

“I’m not fucking delusional, Thor!” Loki snaps, her teeth snagging on the word delusional, like she would rip it apart if she could. “Listen, I’ve been nice up until now. I did what you said. I stayed away from you like you asked. I’ve ignored you-“

Thor grits his teeth. _Yeah, you’ve ignored me a little **too** well_

“-and I haven’t told anyone we’re related. But Thor, if you push me one more time, I’m going to tell Wexler and Adams that it was you. That it was your fault, and that I only covered for you because you’re my baby brother.”

Thor stares at her, thinks, _this is too easy _and _you’ve set yourself up_, and says-

“They wouldn’t believe you anyway.”

Loki’s reaction is instant. She flinches back, Thor’s words cutting into her the way a knife never could. It’s Loki’s words thrown back at her from when she was sixteen and Thor was twelve and she was standing on a curb alone against the whole wide world with nothing but a flimsy rugby shirt to keep her warm. And it hurts because what was true then is true now, at least to Loki.

It’s easier to hurt people with the things they already believe. And Thor knows Loki’s believed it forever. That she’s less than Thor. That she will never be as valued because she’s adopted. And that now she will never be as valued because she doesn’t come from the same type of family that he does. Because she doesn’t come from a family at all.

Thor thinks, _it wouldn’t have to be this way if you hadn’t left_

Loki says, “Why are you doing this to me?” Her eyes have an odd shine to them. Like she’s about to cry. “I’m not like you, Thor.” She says, words bitter and rotten like something gone bad. “I don’t have a _daddy_ that will just give me everything at the drop of a hat. I need this job, I have shit I have to pay for-“

“What? Still don’t have enough money to chop your dick off?”

Loki slaps him so hard his face snaps to the side. She’s wearing baby blue acrylics, and those baby blues cut into the skin of cheek and make him bleed.

“Fuck you, Thor! _Fuck _you.” She sneers, and this time she really is crying, a lone tear having made its escape down her cheek. “You know I’ve always known you hated me, but I never knew it was _this_ much.”

Out of all the things she could’ve said, this is the one that snaps Thor into responding. _Is she serious? Is she really fucking serious right now? Is she really going to fucking pretend?_

“I’m the one who hates _you?_ Me?” Thor says disbelievingly. “Are you really not going to have the fucking decency to be honest for once, to tell the _truth_, Loki? _You’re the one who hates me! _You’re the one who left me, not once, but fucking two times. You’re the one who wasn’t there when I graduated middle school, or when I won my first football game, or when I graduated high school. You weren’t even fucking there when I was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of tubes barely breathing and somehow _still _taking shit from Odin for not being the perfect son. So please, don’t fucking act like it was this big deal when I asked you to stay away from me, don’t act like it fucking hurt you, because you’ve _never_ had a problem being away from me for the last thirteen fucking years, and don’t even get me started on how you’ve been secretly calling Frigga during all of them and not _me_, the way you don’t even fucking love me the way I-I-“

Thor’s face is flushed and his heart is pounding and he feels like he can barely breathe with how fast he’s been talking and how much.

It’s too much. He’s been talking too much. Loki is staring at him, wide eyed.

Thor breathes. His eyes go cold.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I won’t bother you anymore, okay?”

“Thor wait-“ Loki wraps a hand around his wrist, and he explodes.

“_Don’t **fucking** touch me!_ Just…” He take a deep breath, wills himself to calm down. “Just leave me alone…please.”

This time when Thor turns to walk away, Loki doesn’t stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyones confused, thor is 22. the first time loki left, he was nine. loki came back when he was twelve then left again. so in total loki hadnt seen thor for thirteen years.


	5. obsession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so if anyones still confused -  
loki was born male. he started to transition after Odin kicked him out. however, since loki always dressed up in secret and stuff thor always though of loki as a she, thats why in these memories of loki thor has as a kid he refers to Loki as she and not he. however, to the rest of the world, loki was a boy, because that was his birth gender, and its not like he went to school with skirts or dresses.

Here’s the truth.

When Thor was a kid, he was obsessed with Loki.

Now he knows that sounds weird, but it makes sense in the context that it was only ever him and Loki growing up. His parents were always busy working, and it would usually be Loki who made his lunch, who took him to school, who made his dinner, or who helped him with his homework.

Thor’s earliest memory is of Loki.

Loki, waltzing in their mom’s room after school because she wasn’t home, and putting on one of her more fancier dresses. Thor remembers how Frigga’s pearls looked in Loki’s tiny hand as she grabbed them greedily and wrapped them around her pale throat. Loki had modeled for him.

“What do you think?” She had asked coquettishly.

Thor had thought she looked funny. The dress was a blood red and the sleeves kept slipping off Loki’s shoulders showing off her delicate bones.

“Who are you?” He asked instead.

Loki had rolled her eyes, as if it was obvious. “I’m the Queen, _darling_.” She’d drawled, in a high English accent.

Thor had only stared at Loki, fascinated. She did look a bit like a queen when he sat down.

“And who am I?”

Loki had smiled. “You’re my son of course. _Prince_ Thor.”

“Really?” Thor had asked, awed.

Loki lifted him up in response, spinning him around in the air a couple of times before holding Thor close to her. She kissed his forehead.

“Of course, baby. I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.”

Thor poked her cheek. “Really? Are you sure?” He’d asked suspiciously. “I’m your favorite brother?”

Loki had rolled her eyes. “Thor, why do you always ask the same question? Yes, your my favorite brother. How many times do I have to tell you? You’re my _only_ brother.”

“Good.” Thor had replied, linking his arms behind Loki’s neck to give her a hug. He closed his eyes, and listened to her heartbeat. “I want to be your only everything.”

“Thor,” Loki had sighed, “you’ll always be my only _and_ my everything.”

Suddenly a thought popped into Thor’s mind. He opened his eyes to look at Loki. He glared at her.

“And who’s the king?”

Loki blinked. “What?”

“If I’m the prince, and you’re the queen, there has to be a king. Who is it?”

Loki stared at him for a second before blushing. “Um…maybe Ari Wilkers?”

Thor didn’t like that. And he didn’t like that Loki was blushing. There was nothing to blush _for_. Ari Wilkers was the son of a family friend. He came over to the house every year for Superbowl Sunday or whenever Odin had a barbecue. Thor hadn’t known Loki paid so much attention to Ari.

“That’s not fair.” Thor said, glaring at Loki as he pushed himself out of her grasp. “Why does Ari get to be king but I have to be prince? He doesn’t even know you like I do.”

Loki had sighed in response, obviously annoyed. “Thor, I know you think the King has more power than a prince, but actually the prince gets to go on a lot more adventures-“

“I don’t care about that!” Thor snapped. “Why does Ari get to marry you but I don’t?”

Loki stared at him, gaping at him like a fish. Then she laughed.

“Thor you can’t marry me!”

Thor’s eyes watered. “Is it because you don’t love me?”

Loki’s eyes widened. “Thor, baby, of course I love you! I told you just a little bit before that I loved you didn’t I?” Loki kissed both his cheeks, trying to get him to stop crying. “But you’re my brother.” Loki laughed. “How can I marry my brother?”

Thor had sniffed. “But you’re not _really_ my brother.”

Loki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Baby…” Thor leaned into her touch.

“Fine. You can be king.”

Thor yelped in glee and wrapped his arms back around Loki’s neck.

“Since I’m king that means you’re mine. _My_ queen.”

Loki laughed. “You’re mine too, Thor. We’re each other’s.”

Thor hadn’t thought of it that way, but he liked it. He stuffed his head in the crook of Loki’s neck and smiled.

Loki had been the one to take him to his first day of school.

Both Frigga and Odin had been busy that day, and Loki went to the same school anyway, so they walked to Thor’s class together.

Thor had clung to Loki’s leg.

“I don’t want to go.” He whined. Thor spent all of his time with Loki. Why did school have to be any different? Loki should be in class _with_ him.

“Thor,” Loki had scolded, “I thought you promised me you weren’t going to cry?”

“I’m not crying,” he replied, voice high and scratchy.

Loki sighed when she heard his voice, and crouched down to face Thor. She cupped Thor’s face in her hands and wiped the tears away with her thumbs.

“Baby, I’m just going to be down the hall. You don’t have to cry. I’m going to be with the fifth graders. And I’ll see you at lunch and at recess and we’ll pass each other whenever you go to ancillary, okay?”

Thor hiccupped. “Okay.”

Loki mock frowned, then stretched the fat on Thor’s cheeks. “Why aren’t you smiling huh? Why are you still making that ugly baby face? Answer me, silly kitty, I want to see those teeth!”

Thor giggled, then gave a wide grin. “Okay, Loki.”

Loki had smiled in reply. “Atta boy.”

The rest of the day had gone great after that. Thor had been scared but he saw Loki everywhere. In the halls when they had ancillary, or at lunch where Loki surprised him and bonked his head with an apple, or at recess where Loki made Thor a crown made of flowers.

Thor made a lot of new friends.

When the bell rung signaling class was over, Thor rushed out the door only to run into Loki.

“Lolo!” Thor had screeched.

“Baby!” Loki had laughed in reply, before catching Thor in her arms and spinning him around. “How was your first day of school?”

They held hands as they walked home. Thor’s mouth was an infinite machine as he spouted detail after detail of what had happened that day, trying to impress Loki with the things he’d done.

“And Ms. Davila said I was the best picker upper, and the nicest kid in the class, and she was proud of me for trying to include everyone in circle time, and even the kids that were shy liked me, and everyone wanted to be in my alphabet group, and also my numbers group, and Sif said she liked me, and so did Freya, and then they fought over me, and then-“

Loki’s mouth had twitched. “Wow, Thor,” he said, tousling his hair so hard that Thor laughed. “Seems like everyone in your class loves you!”

Loki was looking at him with glittering eyes that Thor saw as pride. He couldn’t help but beam back.

“Yeah everyone loves me!”

Loki laughed. “Wish I was as popular as you, kid.”

Thor waited for Loki to say something else, but she fell silent instead, and Thor frowned. He yanked on Loki’s hand.

Loki turned to face him with an eyebrow raised.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Thor pouted.

Loki’s expression turned quizzical. “What do you want me to say?”

“Does everybody love me?”

Loki still had that puzzled expression on her face. “You just told me they did, though?”

Thor glared, wondering if Loki was just pretending to be stupid. “No, Loki. When I said everybody loved me, you were supposed to say you loved me too!”

Loki’s confusion melted away to amusement. She laughed. “What? Thor, I already tell you a million times a day that I love you! What else do you want me to do?”

Thor kicked his foot at the curb. He sulked. “I just want to hear it a million more times. I don’t care if everybody in class loves me. I only brought it up so you would say you loved me too.”

Loki’s face turned grave. “Do you want to know the truth, Thor?”

Thor looked up, surprised at seriousness of her tone. “What is it?”

“I spent all day thinking of you. When I was in class, I was worried if you were making friends. When I was in the restroom, I was worried that you had fell into one of the toilets. At lunch, I was worried you would starve to death because your classmates stole your food. During recess, I was worried you would trip on a twig and die. Every single second of today, I was thinking of you.”

“Really?” Thor had asked, awed.

He hadn’t noticed Loki’s lip twitch. She was solemn when she responded.

“Really. I thought I was going to die being apart from you.”

That had brightened up Thor’s spirits. He clutched Loki’s hand tighter.

“Lolo,” he sighed magnanimously, “of course I would never let that happen. You don’t have to be scared.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Thor replied seriously. “So no crying tomorrow, okay? And don’t think of me too much when you’re in class, but still think of me, because I’m your brother and you should always think of me.”

“Okay.” Loki had replied back, just as serious.

Loki had been Thor’s everything. And when she left, Thor had nothing.

XXX

Bjorn invites him and a couple of other interns to hit up a club on south street.

Loki isn’t fired. Thor didn’t want her to be. He just wanted her to sweat a little. He felt angry, seeing her, knowing that if he had never found her here, he probably would’ve never seen her again. Loki had no plans to reach out. She had a life that she was happy living without Thor being in it. Apparently, the love of twenty two cubicle workers was enough of a substitute.

But whatever. It’s not like Thor cares.

So Loki roams in her circles and Thor goes in his and usually it’s big enough of an office that he doesn’t have to see her. And when he does see her, he ignores her, and she ignores him, and proceeds to bend over some dickwad’s desk to flirt and flash boobs that are barely a size A.

But whatever.

Thor has enough going on in his own life to even give a shit about Loki’s. Like going to the club with the other interns.

Bjorn and Thor go live close to each other, surprisingly, so they wind up leaving together for the club. When they get there, Iver is already sitting at a table with some other interns, a mix of girls and guys.

Iver greets Bjorn and ignores Thor. Thor does the same.

Ever since Thor punched him, Iver hasn’t made good on his threats, but he isn’t being nice either. Thor could care less. Honestly every second spent talking with Iver is another brain cell lost. Thor still hangs out with Bjorn and him at lunch, because they’re best friends, and Thor is cool with Bjorn, but otherwise Iver and him stay clear of each other. They manage to get along after the fight in the way people who weren’t really friends to begin with get along – superficially.

If Bjorn suspects anything, he doesn’t say, and he probably doesn’t care. It’s not like him and Thor are friends either.

“What up, bitch?” Bjorn spits at Iver, grinning.

“Who you calling a bitch, pencil dick?” Iver responds easily, grinning back.

Thor barely keeps from rolling his eyes. It’s like they stopped growing mentally in middle school.

Some of the other interns greet Thor as well, as does a very enthusiastic blonde. He thinks her name is Amora. He keeps it in mind just in case he can’t catch a better lay.

“I’m thinking two bottles of Everclear, like, seriously. Let’s get fucked up tonight.” Iver says, eyes glittering in the club light.

“Bro, I’m ready to die.” Replies another intern.

“I’m ready to die and never see Mckellan’s ugly ass face again.”

The group laughs at that. It was a hard week. Mckellan was a grade-A asshole, even more so than usual. Everyone is ready to drink the week away and they’ve been drinking for a while when Amora suddenly speaks up.

“Ugh, forget Mckellan, I’m ready to never see _Wexler’s_ face again.” She says in disgust. “He’s such an old perv. You should see him salivating over that mailroom girl – what’s her name again? Something with a ki? Kianna?”

Thor stiffens. Iver notices and he smiles. There’s something mean in his eyes when he says-

“Loki. It’s Loki.”

“Right! Looooki.” Amora stretches out the name on her tongue, testing it. She still has a frown on her face. “He makes her do all sorts of irrelevant shit, drops things on the floor just to get her to bend over, keeps her in his office for no reason at all. I mean, he wouldn’t dare try that shit with me, my last name is enough to put him off. But with a girl like that – well,” Amora’s eyebrows are pinched, something like pity in her eyes, “with a girl like that you can do anything.”

Thor feels himself bristle. He feels something running hot and sharp in his blood, his throat aching with some ugly venomous thing. He wants to say something. He can’t. He feels his jaw twitch, and Iver watching him intently, maliciously amused.

“Can you blame him, though?” The words are abrupt, drunk, from one of the other male interns.

And if Thor thought he was angry before, it’s nothing compared to the burn that crawls into his blood now.

“I mean, have you seen her in those tight pencil skirts? And she’s constantly bending over some random desk, just begging to be fucked-“

Thor slams his fist on the table, and the drinks jump, startling everybody.

“You’re fucking disgusting.” He snarls.

The guy, whoever he is, immediately shuts up, cowed and ashamed. Some of the other interns are looking at him in revulsion as well. Amora looks at Thor with something akin to awe in her eyes.

She clutches his arm.

“That was so fucking brave.” She slurs.

_That wasn’t brave, that was-_

Iver whistles. “Speaking of the devil."

And it’s like Iver’s got them all on a fucking string, cause they all turn at the same time, just to see Loki walk in like some kind of Goddess, her hair ironed straight giving her a sharper, more dangerous look, green eyes like stars in a haze of smoke that is her eyeshadow. Her red dress sticks to her like a second skin, backless, every curve pronounced, with heels so tall and sharp they could kill if her looks hadn’t already done the job.

Almost every eye in the club zooms in on her. All the interns at his table are salivating. Doug has a girlfriend, but even he can’t help but stare, and Thor can’t help but seethe.

It’s one thing to want to be a girl, it’s another to want to be like that to get this type of attention.

Thor turns away from Loki and takes a swig from the vodka bottle. Fuck this feeling. He just wants to get smashed. Loki wants attention, but she doesn’t want his. Not his, never his.

Whatever. As if he cares.

Amora is still pressed against him, her dress unbelievably short, her naked thighs against Thor’s pant legs, and he pauses from his drinking to ask-

“Do you want some?”

Amora nods quickly, eager, like a dog. Thor takes another swig of Everclear and grabs her jaw roughly, forcing it into her mouth, his tongue twisting around hers.

When Thor pulls back for air, Amora is flushed, and everyone is staring at them in shock.

“What?” Thor says blandly.

Bjorn bursts into laughter. The other interns seem to watch him in admiration.

“Fucking get it, Thor!” Bjorn laughs. “Didn’t I tell you guys? My boy’s a _beast_!”

Only Iver looks at him with a knowing glint in his eye, secretly laughing at him, and not with him.

But Thor thinks _fuck him_ and _I hope he enjoys the show_ and then proceeds to make out with Amora on the couch, her climbing onto his lap, rucking up her short dress even more, Thor’s hands sliding up her soft thighs, appreciative, beholden, ready to forget everything except her mouth on his.

“Fuck – _fuck_,” Amora pants, “I’ve wanted this – you - so bad.” She moans into Thor’s mouth. Her hands are shaking.

And Thor can only think _shut up, shut up, you don’t sound anything like her, you’re ruining it for me, don’t talk and I can keep on pretending, pretending-_

Thor doesn’t know how long he’s with Amora, or how much they drink together, but eventually he realizes he’s wasted, like really fucking gone, and he’s fucked, because he’s not going to be able to go back to his apartment in this state, how the fuck is he going to get home-

Iver plops done on the seat across from Thor, a girl with dark hair on his arm. He looks gone as well, pupils blown wide, a flush on his cheeks and a wild grin on his mouth.

“Where did lover girl go?” He asks, still grinning like a maniac. The girl beside him is mouthing at his neck. He ignores her.

Thor looks at Iver in a daze. He can feel the bass of the club humming through his skin. He can’t tell his heart beat from the music. When he looks around, he realizes Amora is gone.

“I don’t know.” He replies passively, not having enough energy or soberness to paint some kind of polite expression on his face.

Iver laughs. “I bet if it was Loki you would know.” He replies, eyes glittering with malicious intent. The girl at his side tugs at his hand insistently. He slaps it away without looking as if she’s a bug.

Thor stares at him. Feels more awake when he says-

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Iver shrugs. The girl stands up and walks away. Iver doesn’t follow.

“What I said.”

“No.” Thor bites back. “Tell me.”

Iver smiles, lazy. “You watch her all the time. You pulled that shit with Wexler and Adams. You threatened me when I tried to fuck her. Tell me Thor, what were you trying to do protecting the chastity of a twenty six year old adult? Does that make sense to you?”

Thor feels his jaw twitch. He stares hard at Iver.

“I don’t give two shits about that bitch. You pissed me off. I put you back in your place.”

Iver smiles, knowing. “You’re fucking obsessed with her.”

It’s like a blow to the stomach. Thor’s throat feels dry.

“I’m not – I don’t – “ Thor clears his throat. Makes eye contact with Iver. “I’m not obsessed with her.”

Iver grins, his teeth a cage like the one that trapped the canary, and Thor wonders who he caught when he says –

“Oh yeah? So if I told you I saw Loki looking like she was fucking someone on the dance floor, what would you do?”

Awareness is sharp in the drunken haze of his mind. The quick ugliness Thor feels at those words is enough to sober him up. Unconsciously, Thor leans towards Iver.

“You’re lying.” He snaps.

Iver just leans back, gives him a lazy smile.

“Why don’t you find out for yourself?”

XXX

Thor pushes against grinding bodies on the dance floor, eyes searching rapidly for one specific person. The club starts playing an old R&B song, and that’s when he finds her, arms wrapped around the neck of some ethnically ambiguous guy, his hands on her hips and his leg between hers, as they both grind to the music, Loki basically rubbing herself on his leg, her tight dress rucking up higher, and his hands wandering lower, lower still to land on her –

_No. Fuck that_. Thor grabs Loki by the wrist and yanks her to his side.

“What the fuck-“ Loki’s eyes widen. “Thor?”

“Hey man.” The guy is looking down at him, eyes holding a warning. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” Thor sneers. “Touching her like that?”

Brown eyes watch him warily. “She your girlfriend or sum’in?”

“Yes,” Thor snaps quickly, at the same time Loki says ‘no.’

Loki stares at him, something strange in her expression, before turning back to face the other guy.

“This is my baby _brother_, Thor.” Loki explains, emphasizing the brother part.

Thor glares at her. “I’m not a baby.” He says, crowding into her. “And I’m not your brother.”

Thor is leaning over her, his face close to hers, hypnotized by her green eyes, feeling like metal to a magnet, while Loki just stares at him, unreadable and cold. She sighs before pushing him away.

“Thor stop. Leave me alone.”

Her words feel like a knife to the chest. He feels himself get pulled into her orbit again, feels the need to be close to her. He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her to him to keep her from leaving, her bare back against his front. He nuzzles her neck.

“Lolo,” he whispers, “what you want to dance? Is that it? Because I promise you I dance ten times better than that asshole.”

Loki shivers against his touch. Thor only hums, his head still slotted against her neck, eyes closed.

“Lolo? You must be seriously smashed if you’re calling me that.” She mutters.

“Loki.” Thor whispers. “_Loki Loki Loki Loki Loki-_“

Loki pushes herself out of his arms. “Seriously stop, Thor. Go bother someone else for a change.”

Thor frowns, and reaches for her again, but this time a tanned hand stops him. It’s the guy. He’s glaring.

“She said fuck off.” he snaps.

Thor stares at him. “She didn’t tell me jack shit, asshole.”

The other guy’s eyes are black flint in the low light of the club.

“Hey prick, can’t you take a hint? She doesn’t _want_ you. Do you even now how pathetic you look right now? Following her like some lost puppy? You can play with big sister some other time, alright, kid?” The guy moves closer to Thor, eyes glinting, and says in a lower voice, “Right now big sister needs some _dick_-“

Thor swings. Loki screams. His punch lands solidly on the other guy’s jaw and they both fall to the ground, Thor because of his momentum, the other guy because of his fist.

They struggle on the floor, Thor landing a few good punches on his sides and his face, but he’s still drunk, and younger, and smaller with less bulk, and eventually the other guy manages to get on top and start smashing the living daylights out of him. Thor can feel something warm on his face, the wet crunch of something ringing in his ears, and Thor knows he’s fading fast. The other guy is pulling his fist back again when Loki stops him, grabbing his arm and yanking him off of Thor.

_“The fuck is your problem?!”_ Loki yells. Her face is flushed and her eyes are a burning green, brighter than all the neon in the club. She’s pissed.

The guy stares at her, bewildered. “He swung first-“

“So what, a drunk college kid ten years younger than you lands a sloppy punch and that’s grounds enough to kill him? _Huh?!”_

The confusion is starting to turn into something uglier. “Are you fucking kidding me-“

“Shut the fuck up. I’m leaving.”

“Seriously?” The other guy looks incredulous and angry at the same time. “Just cause one little boy couldn’t take a punch?”

“You’re sick.” Loki sneers. “Seriously sick. Stay away from me.”

“Loki-“ The other guy tries to reach out, but Loki slaps him hard across the face.

“I said fuck off!”

The guy’s jaw clenches, before he spins on his heel and walks away, disappearing into the crush of bodies.

Loki leans down to pick him up. Thor can barely see her through the blood that’s in his eyes. He groans as Loki lifts him.

“Hold on to me.” She says quietly, and Thor wraps an arm around her shoulder, leaning on her.

He breathes in the citrus scent of her hair. His eyes are closed when he says-

“I knew you would choose me, Lolo.” It hurts to speak. It hurts to breathe. But he does it anyway. “It’s always me, in the end.”

“Are you fucking stupid?” She snaps, glaring at him, eyes green hellfire. “You’re trashed, and that other guy almost killed you. That’s the only reason I’m helping you right now.”

Thor laughs. “You fucking love me.”

Loki turns away from him, jaw tight. “You’re a fucking asshole.”

_Whatever. You didn’t deny it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song i pictured playing at the club is one more chance by the notorious B.I.G.  
"baby give me one more chance~~"
> 
> gimme love im starved for it


	6. recollection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no promises on next update 😬

There is a memory, lurking, in the recesses of Thor’s battered brain.

Thor is eight and he’s in class. The teacher is teaching them how to do origami as an introduction to world cultures. Thor’s tiny, grubby hands fold and fold incessantly – pushing his lip out when it doesn’t turn out the way he wants it to, and he has to start again, a crease on his forehead from the painstaking task.

He wants his swan to be pretty. It has to be. It’s for Loki after all.

When he finally gets it down, he’s the last one still in class. Everyone else has left already for lunch. The teacher crouches down and smiles at him.

“That’s a really pretty swan there, Thor.” The teacher says. “Who ya gonna give it to?”

Thor smiles, showing off the gap in his teeth. “Loki.” He says proudly.

The teacher looks confused for a second, before smiling again. “You’re not give one to your parents?” She asks.

Thor gives her a puzzled look. “Why would I do that?”

This seems to make his teacher even more confused. She does not hide the crease in her eyebrows this time.

“Well, the origami was supposed to be for someone special.”

Thor blinks at her, still not comprehending. “But Loki _is_ special.” He says slowly.

The teacher seems to be upset now. “But what about your parents?” She insists.

And Thor just stares at her, like she’s stupid, and says

“My parents are my parents. There’s nothing special about them.”

-

Thor feels sick the whole ride to Loki’s apartment. He keeps his eyes closed in the backseat of her car, feeling nauseous, dried blood sticking to his face like glue, and feels the lights of the street lamps passing over him, shadows playing over his closed eyes.

“Lolo…” He groans. “Fuck Lolo, my head hurts.”

And it does. Except he doesn’t know if it’s because of the alcohol or the beating he got by that loser at the club.

Loki doesn’t say anything. With his eyes closed, it could be a stranger driving him. For some reason, the thought brings him close to a panic attack.

“Loki – Loki please. Don’t ignore me. I know you’re pissed but –“

Silence. Just the thrum of the car beneath him. A memory burns through his brain, an empty room, a staircase leading to nowhere, no one, and Thor feels his chest get tight.

“Loki-“ Thor starts again, and this time the panic in his voice is evident, and this time Loki

Answers.

It’s the jingling he hears first. Her charm bracelet as she reaches one hand back to grab his blindly.

“_Shh shh shhh.”_ Loki murmurs.

Thor still doesn’t open his eyes. He thinks he’ll throw up if he does. But just the sound of her voice is enough to soothe him – softer than he’s heard it recently. Like it used to be.

“Thor, it’s okay.” She says gently. “I’m here.”

The words, her tone of voice –

It feels like coming home.

-

By the time they get to Loki’s apartment he’s sober enough to walk up the stairs – with her help.

Maybe he acts drunker than he really is. Maybe he crowds into her more than he should, clings to her more than he should – so what? Thor hasn’t seen Loki in ten years. Thor hasn’t _held _Loki in ten years. He hasn’t even gotten so much as a smile while the fucking cubicle workers at Stevens & Mckellan’s have her drooling all over their corduroy pant suits.

So yeah – maybe he fucking clings. It’s the least he deserves.

Still, it’s not like he’s completely sober already – the moment they enter Loki’s apartment he collapses on her couch, almost tripping and clipping his head on the sharp corner of her table.

He groans as he hits the hard cushions, Loki moving around her apartment, organizing things, moving pots and pans around on the stove, riffling through her cabinets.

Thor watches her through barely open eyes, stares at the nakedness of her back, her bare shoulders – and when Loki reaches out on tip toes to reach something her already short dress shifts higher, shows off the bottom of her ass, and Thor’s throat dries until he has to look away and pretend to cough.

Everything about her – _everything, since the beginning_ – has been so fucking beautiful.

When she comes back to the couch she’s still in the dress _(my god – can’t she put anything else on?)_ but her hair’s in a messy bun above her head and she has a wet towel in her hand along with a frozen bag of peas and some Tylenol.

She gets on her knees on the floor beside him and shakes her head, a frown on her face as she looks at him.

“God, Thor.” She mutters. “You’re a mess.”

“Maybe –“ Thor starts, then grimaces, because the bruise on his chest is aching worse than ever, and it hurts to talk, but he goes on anyway. “…if your boyfriend wasn’t such a-” grimace, breathe, continue “dick – maybe then I wouldn’t be such a…mess.”

Loki scoffs. “He wasn’t my boyfriend.”

Thor can’t help his snappish reply.

“So you do that shit with people who aren’t your boyfriend?”

Loki’s head snaps up, eyes razor sharp on his.

No good. She’s pissed again.

“Thor, what the fuck is your problem, huh? You come into my workplace and you try to get me fired. You tell me to fuck off, and then you bother me at every turn. I’m trying to have fun at the club, on a fucking Saturday night, and you come in and bust my date’s face as if you’re trying to defend my honor. As if you care. And now, as I’m taking care of your sorry ass, you bitch at me again.” Loki’s eyes are narrowed, painfully harsh, but her lip is wobbling ever so slightly. “You think I have to put up with this? You think I have to take care of you? I don’t have to do anything, Thor. You’re not even my brother anymore. We’re nothing to each other.”

And it hurts. It hurts. Like a knife trying to whittle away at his heart, it hurts. Every time he’s with Loki now it’s like this – pieces of him scraped off inch by painful inch. Things he doesn’t want to feel again, his heart that got fucked up and scarred when she left, healed, flesh hardened and thicker – it’s peeling away again with her words, and with that face that looks at him not with love, and says

_Nothing. We are nothing to each other._

And so he says

_(stupidly)_

“You didn’t come to my graduation.”

If Loki was expecting something, it isn’t this. She’s thrown, eyebrows scrunching in that way they always do when she’s confused. She was expecting vitriol. Harsh words and curses thrown her way, a corrosive laugh maybe, a transphobic comment. Not – whatever this is.

Seeing that opening, that surprise that leaves no hardened walls of hurt, Thor slips right in, continues, his words building, his own hurt, building, transparent, a flashing neon sign, open for the world

_(and the world is loki by the way, don’t get that wrong, the world to thor has only ever been loki)_

-to see.

_(so yeah maybe he’s still a little drunk. more than a little drunk)_

“And don’t say you didn’t know about it. Frigga sent you an invitation. I pretended not to care, but I wished so hard that night that you would come. And even when I didn’t see you at first, I still held onto that hope, still thought – _Loki will show, Loki will show, she has to show, she loved me didn’t she? or she cared at least, didn’t she?_ And then you didn’t, and I felt like a fucking loser, and I got smashed at a party, and tried to kill myself, and almost did, and even when I was at the hospital, ICU, for a week straight, you still didn’t visit. Still. Didn’t care enough, I guess. Was just me, I guess.”

Loki’s eyes hold some indescribable emotion. “Thor,” she starts, but he doesn’t let her.

“But that still didn’t stop me for listening in on your conversations with Frigga, and – surprised are you? Yeah, I knew. The whole time. Guess that makes me a fucking loser, but that’s already been established hasn’t it? I was a loser, and I didn’t care, because I just wanted to hear your voice.” Thor laughs at the pained look on Loki’s face. “Man, you must think I’m fucking pathetic, huh? Which I am, I know, but excuse me for being a little hurt that you called Frigga of all people, and never me, like I wasn’t the only one who ever fucking supported you when you were my brother, like I never loved you more than them, because – because I did. I loved you more than them. I never cared that you dressed up. And even Frigga, even Frigga never liked that you did that. But yet you still called her – and not me.” Thor laughs again, and his ribs ache, but he keeps on laughing, because the ache is better than the one in his heart.

“But who the fuck am I right? And yeah – I was upset when I saw you at the law firm, because I realized you were happy. Without me. And if I had never shown up there, well, I probably never would have seen you again, because, even though you were in a good place, and you had a steady job, and were old enough that parents stopped being a problem, you probably _still _would have never reached out to me, would’ve you, Loki?

Thor waits. There is a struggle in Loki’s eyes. She opens her mouth to answer and

Thor changes his mind. He laughs awkwardly. “Uh, actually, you know what? You don’t have to answer. I don’t really – I don’t really wanna know. I think –“

_I think your answer would hurt me._

“Yeah. No.” Thor says abruptly. He knows he’s said to much. He tries to cover it up a bit with self-deprecating humor. As if all the self-deprecation humor in the world is enough to cover up how pathetic he is.

“But it’s whatever right? I should’ve expected it right? Odin didn’t care about me, and Frigga doesn’t really, and you of course, only cared when you lived in that house, but oh, as soon as you were free it was a different story, and you didn’t have to force yourself to care anymore-“

“Thor, stop.” Loki’s eyes are burning, not in anger, but some other powerful, nameless emotion

“didn’t have to force yourself to do anything anymore –“

“Thor, STOP.”

And Thor snaps, feels instead of hurt, an anger like fire surge in him, because what right does Loki have to tell him to stop? This is how he feels, how he’s felt for long time, and Loki doesn’t get to tell him what to and not to do.

“No I’m not gonna stop. Do you hear that, Loki? No. Because you have no idea how much it fucked me up to wake up in the morning, expecting you to take me to school, only to have Odin tell me you left, that you left without saying goodbye, and me, rushing to your room, calling him a liar, sobbing, seeing you weren’t there, and then rushing down the stairs, falling, splitting my head open wide on the last step all because I was so desperate to fucking find you!”

It comes out in a rush. Thor is heaving, red faced, when he finishes and he thinks

_Oh shit. Didn’t mean for that to slip out._

Loki is pale. Deathly pale, more so than usual, like all the blood’s been drained out of her.

“What was that?” She asks calmly.

Fuck. Thor closes his eyes, and leans back on the pillow. “Forget it. Forget I ever said anything.”

But Loki grabs him tightly by the wrist, stares at him with those intense green eyes that used to scold him when he did something wrong, and says

“No. No. You don’t get to do that, Thor.” Her voice is shaking, but Thor’s sure it’s because of something kin to rage. “You don’t get to laugh this shit off. You don’t get to play the _I could care less_ card. You don’t get to just ‘whatever’ this off. You think I don’t care? You think I left without saying goodbye because I wanted to? You think once I had a snatch of this supposed fucking _freedom_ I was happy and _especially _happy that you weren’t with me?” Loki’s eyes are wet.

“Thor, I was fucking miserable. You have no idea what I went through. You have no idea the shit I’ve seen and the things I’ve had to do. You have no idea how much I love you and how much I thought of you over the years. Thor,” and Loki looks at him, sears that green into his blue, like she’s trying to translate something to him, convince him of something, “I have never once, not once, not thought of you. I thought you hated me. I was scared to reach out. That time I went back – you were so – so cold. And I tried _so so so_ hard to get you to like me, to talk to me, and you just – like I was nothing. You looked at me like I was nothing.”

_“Because you LEFT, Loki!”_ Thor can’t help but yell. “Without saying anything. What was I supposed to think? I hated you, because you left me with them. Because I thought it had been easy for you.”

“Easy.” Loki laughs at the word, something sharp and broken and full of pain. “Thor, nothing about what I did, and have done, has ever been easy.” She stares at him. “Especially when it comes to you.”

Loki shakes her head, looks at the kitchen, then looks back at him, her eyes glowing. “You don’t get it, Thor. I don’t think about you? I don’t love you? How could I not, when you were mine before you were theirs?

Loki stares at him, hard, eyes full of anger and hurt and love, overpowering, and Thor can barely breathe with the way she stares at him. And those words, _those words_

“It was me and you. You think I don’t remember? Frigga and Odin, and their late nights working, and their long days, and their trips, and it was me and you. And I raised you. And you were – “ and here Loki chokes up, her eyes glittering with unshed tears, throwing light every which way, laying her hand on Thor’s cheek, gentle, caressing, and says, fierce

“Baby, you were mine.”

-

Thor tells her everything.

“The day you left I didn’t believe it. I was upset. I started running down the stairs to try and find you and then everything blacked out.” Thor taps his fingers uncomfortably against his knee, and Loki quickly grabs his hand, wraps hers around his. It settles him.

“Odin said I slipped and cracked my head on the last few steps. Frigga was sobbing. She thought I was dead. There was so much blood – even Odin was afraid I wasn’t going to make it.”

Loki’s grip tightens.

“But I did. Luckily. It seemed more serious than it was. I got 16 stitches on the back of my head and soon I was back home and all better. But then…but then…” Thor swallows. “A couple days later at school I felt dizzy. My muscles started spazzing. I knocked over my lunch tray on accident and one of the teachers came over to yell at me and that’s when I just started full on convulsing. I remember the cold tile on my back when I fell, staring up into the loud fluorescent lighting, thinking I was about to die. One of the teachers had to stuff a wallet into my mouth to keep me from biting my tongue off.”

Loki’s face is pained. She touches his cheek. “Thor…”

Thor continues. “I had to take medication after that. Something was wrong with my brain after the fall. It happens sometimes after a concussion. I haven’t taken them in a while but…that’s why I was upset when you came back the first time. I guess I had always partly blamed you…but don’t get it wrong, it wasn’t your fault at all. Definitely not. Loki?”

Thor looks up and Loki’s eyes are shining with tears. He quickly moves to sit up, the ache in his ribs killer, but the face Loki is making even worse.

“Loki _no no no_ don’t cry. I didn’t mean – It was never your fault. I know that now, I’m sorry, you don’t need to –“

“Thor.” Loki chokes out. “I know. I know it’s not my fault. But it doesn’t make it any easier. Because I knew how much I meant you, and I still didn’t say goodbye, and I was scared, but I still loved you so so much, Thor, you have to know that at least, that I really, really love you-“

And Loki breaks off into a heaving sob, her lashes wet with tears, eyes a sad green, and Thor can’t help but wrap his arms around her, pull her into his embrace, and try to get rid of any hurt there.

“Loki, it’s okay, I know, I know that now, shhh-“

“Thor I have to t-tell you, you have to- have to know,” Loki swallows back her sobs, says: “I went to your graduation.”

Thor’s hold loosens. “What?”

“Your h-high school graduation. I went to it.”

“But I never saw you.”

Loki wipes the tears from her face with a stubborn hand. “I was transitioning then. I already-I already looked like a woman. I knew if Odin saw me he would make a scene and I didn’t want to ruin your day like that.”

Thor feels himself stiffen. A multitude of feelings from that day ambush him. “Loki. You don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay-“

Loki pushes away from him. “No Thor. I was there.” Her eyes are fierce. “And I have proof.”

Loki stands up from the couch and goes somewhere down the hall. When she comes back she has a picture and a graduation announcement in her hand.

It’s Thor’s.

The pictures are in a booklet of sorts. Loki sits next to him and starts flipping through it.

“I took a bunch. I was so happy. I was so proud of you – crazy proud. I felt like a mom, my god.” Loki laughs. “I even saw your friend Fandral. He _really_ thought I was a mom. Called me a MILF – fucking perv.”

_‘Fandral got rejected? By who?’_

_Fandral scowls. ‘Just some bitch in a pencil skirt. She wasn’t even that hot.’_

_Sif bursts out laughing. ‘That’s not what you said before! You called her a MILF!’_

She really was there, Thor thinks in awe. Loki looks up at him somewhat shyly.

“When I got the announcement I knew I was gonna come. You have no idea how much I wanted to congratulate you, Thor – no idea. I keep your graduation picture hung up in my room.”

In her room. _In her room_.

Thor feels like his heart’s in his throat. He pulls Loki in as tight as he can without hurting his ribs.

“And Thor if I had know what happened to you – if I had known about you falling down the stairs the day I left, or crashing your truck into that tree after graduation – Thor, god, I hope you know, and _trust_, that I would’ve been there. I would’ve been there no matter what, FUCK Odin. But nobody told me. Frigga – she didn’t tell me.”

It feels like every misconception Thor’s ever had about Loki has been flipped upside down. It feels like he missed out on years of communicating with Loki because of stupid misunderstandings and just being scared. Both of them, scared, that the other hated them.

Thor stuffs his head into the crook of her neck, and breathes her in. He feels like the inside of him has been scrapped out raw. He feels like he’s dreaming.

“I’m sorry, Loki.” He says finally. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers, “for everything.”

But Loki only hushes him. Holds him close to her, Thor laid out on top of her, between her legs, her arms gently sliding up and down his back. Her dark hair smells like lavender. Everything about her seems like magic – wonderfully impossible.

“Oh, Thor.” Loki whispers back. She kisses his forehead. “Oh, baby, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didnt want to post this chapter, has been sitting on my word doc for a long time. didnt want to give out false hope but ehhh. who cares right? 🤪

**Author's Note:**

> comments, kudos, give me love plzzzzz


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